In the eyes of a little kid, the adults of Krugersdorp seemed a more friendly bunch than the kids. The adults never fought with him the way the children his age did.
Their presence added warmth and security to his otherwise tumultuous days. His world felt like a battleground when it came to the kids of his age, the whispered giggles, the roars of laughter. They all cut like a knife.
He felt the weight of their exclusion whenever teams were arranged for any game. Especially soccer. Always choosing each other and leaving him behind. Every shout of triumph from the selected players only echoed his disappointments. A world where everyone could play together left him alone on an island of desolation.
The child found himself in the shadow of his older brother, Raymond. He didn't lack charisma or appeal but was haunted by a persistent fragility that seemed to be known by everyone.
Where Raymond was boisterous and confident, the embodiment of a leader, he was shy and withdrawn.
Raymond felt sorry for his little brother, turning to the other kids. "Come on, guys, let my little brother play!". Chosen out of pity, usually for some unimportant position where he wouldn't spoil the game for the other kids made him feel even worse; He hated being pitied.
The fire of fury built up in his heart and, he ended up punching the person nearest him then feeling terrible. He had made an enemy of the only person who was ready to help me. He was baffled.
Mostly, he found himself being miserable, sitting on the sidelines waiting for a chance to kick the ball at least once. If only he could get one good kick, he'd show them he was a good player.
Inevitably, when he got a chance, he missed the kick or kicked the ball into his team's goal, giving victory to the other side, and was disgracefully chased off the field.
Angry once again, he punched the first thing he saw, usually something weaker than him. “what made him do such a dumb thing?” he asked himself. He was considered a violent child, while love for everything and everybody filled his heart.
The worst was once when a little dog came towards him, as he was bawling out of misery, wagging his tail to show friendliness and wanting to comfort him.
Regret for this episode is fixed in his memory, "how could I have done such a terrible thing, to smack a cute little mutt through the snout.”. The creature went away whimpering, his kind effort rejected.
Then he really felt terrible and started bawling even louder. The kids started laughing at him, and he thought that the only thing to do was lash out at them, which he did, and it made matters worse.
Things got totally out of hand. The more he tried to assert himself, the more violent he became, and the more chaotic the situation became until his father or some adult was called in to control his bad behaviour and get him out of the other kids' hair. He was known as a kid with a bad temper and best kept at a distance.
He regularly put on a show of misery like this, which all the kids found great fun. He wanted to show that he was capable of something. Instead, he showed the opposite. He wasn't particularly admired.
He spent his whole life doing things so people would admire him rather than do things for their own sake. This kind of wrong thinking caused him to make faulty choices in life based on incorrect thinking.
These scenes, where his temper tantrums broke out, were usually played out at Shul or Heder or at a birthday party, where adults were always nearby.
This was no coincidence. He only lost his temper when adults were around because he knew they'd prevent him from getting completely out of hand. On the one hand, he wanted to show his anger, but on the other, he wanted to be stopped before he hurt someone. He loved everybody. He tried to assert himself but did not hurt anyone.
As a result, he was always in hot water with his mother and father. They were angry at him, but he was angrier at himself for not being able to make them proud of him. He wasn't punished; he was just chastised and left to meditate on his actions.
Even at that young age, the thought began to come to him that these performances had something to do with his parents; how he behaved outside the home was connected with things that happened at home.
The exact analysis of this situation is in psychology, and this is just a little story of my life, not a psychological discourse.
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